saudade

 I want something I can’t shape into words, a kind of tenderness I’m terrified to name, because what if my wanting sounds like too much, what if my trembling honesty becomes the reason someone walks away? I hold these old scars like secrets under my skin, aching for light, but how do I ask for the kind of care that could teach them to breathe again? 

I’ve forgotten how to feel the way my heart once knew; fear has taught me to fold myself small, to stay quiet even when everything inside me is breaking open, because what if no one understands the language of my hurting? I crave to be held in a way that makes me unafraid of being seen, but how do I ask for warmth when I don’t know how to let it in?

~sehrish

WORTH IT

i am the bloom that rose through rain

the quiet strength behind the pain

each tear i shed, a seed was sown

in brokenness, i have fully grown

through every sorrow, i was made

a heart that heals, yet won't degrade

so when they doubt what we became

i'll whisper softly, we were worth the pain

~sehrish

UNSEEN

 Lately, I’ve been stuck in this heavy fog that feels like it never really lifts. Depression has this sneaky way of making even the simplest days feel like they’re dragging me through mud. I still show up, I smile, I talk, and I do the usual things everyone expects, but underneath it all, I feel drained. It’s like my brain keeps whispering that I’m too much one minute and not enough the next. Some days, even getting out of bed feels like I’m carrying a thousand invisible weights. Have you ever felt like that? Where you’re surrounded by people but still feel completely alone?

What hits even harder is when the person you quietly crave attention from seems distant or indifferent. It’s ridiculous how much one person’s presence or absence can shift my entire mood. I try to act like it doesn’t matter, like I’m stronger than that, but deep down, it does. Their silence starts echoing in my head, turning into this endless overthinking spiral: “Did I do something wrong? Am I boring? Do they even care?” It’s exhausting, honestly. I hate how easily my heart hands over the remote control of my happiness to someone who barely notices.

And here’s the part no one really sees I laugh, I crack jokes, and I wear this mask of being fine, like I’ve got it all under control. People think I’m doing great because I’ve mastered the art of pretending. But keeping up that act is starting to feel like dragging around a costume that’s too heavy for me. The smiles don’t reach my eyes anymore, the laughs feel a little hollow, and sometimes I wonder if anyone notices the difference or if they even want to.

I guess I’m writing this because maybe you’ve felt it too that hollow ache of wanting to matter more than you seem to. Depression makes it all louder. The lack of attention turns into a magnifying glass that highlights every insecurity you thought you buried. But maybe that’s why I’m here, sharing this with you: to remind myself (and maybe you) that being human is messy. We feel things deeply, we break a little, we heal a little, and somehow, we keep going. I don’t have the answers yet, but maybe just being honest about it is the first tiny step toward feeling a little less alone.

~sehrish

RESURGENCE

 If I say true strength lies not in the love we receive from others but in the love we cultivate within ourselves, would you believe me? No, right?  How about if I tell you to embrace your inner light and let it guide you through the darkest of times, for therein lies the power to rise, reborn and unbreakable? No?

Let me tell you the story of a girl who lived in a quaint little town nestled between rolling hills and murmuring streams. She was a delicate soul, with eyes that mirrored the depths of her emotions and a heart that yearned for solace. Yet, despite her gentle demeanor, she carried a heavy burden upon her shoulders – the weight of sadness and despair that seemed to envelop her like a suffocating mist. She had known loss and heartache from a young age, leaving her with scars that ran deep within her spirit. As she grew older, those scars festered into a consuming darkness, shrouding her in a veil of melancholy. Days blurred into nights, and the once vibrant hues of life faded into monochrome shades of gray. But amidst the shadows that threatened to swallow her whole, there came a flicker of light – a beacon of hope in the form of a boy. With his warm smile and gentle touch, he breathed life into her weary soul, weaving a tapestry of love and laughter that painted the world in hues of joy once more. Under the canopy of stars, she found solace in his embrace, feeling cherished and protected in his presence. He was her rock, her guiding star in the tumultuous sea of life. With him by her side, she dared to dream again, to believe in the possibility of happiness that had long eluded her. But as swiftly as the winds of change blow, so too did his affections wane. Like a fleeting shadow in the night, he vanished without a trace, leaving her to grapple with the shards of her shattered heart. Confusion and disbelief gnawed at her insides, as she struggled to make sense of his sudden departure. Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, yet she remained trapped in the labyrinth of her own despair. The wounds inflicted by his abandonment ran deep, festering with every passing moment. Questions echoed in the recesses of her mind, taunting her with their unanswered riddles. What had she done wrong? Was she not worthy of love? These thoughts haunted her like a relentless specter, threatening to consume her from within. The world around her blurred into a haze of numbness, as she retreated further into the confines of her own anguish. But amidst the darkness that threatened to consume her, she found a glimmer of light – not from an external source, but from the depths of her own being. With each passing day, she summoned the courage to face her demons head-on, to confront the shadows that lurked within her soul. Slowly but surely, she began to rebuild the fragments of her shattered spirit, piece by painstaking piece. She discovered strength in her vulnerability, and resilience in her pain. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, she emerged from the crucible of despair, transformed and reborn. Though scars may linger as a reminder of the trials she endured, she no longer viewed them as symbols of weakness, but rather as badges of honor – testaments to her unwavering spirit and indomitable will. For she had learned the most valuable lesson of all – that true love does not reside in the fleeting affections of others but in the boundless depths of self-love and acceptance. And so, with her head held high and her heart ablaze with newfound purpose, she embarked on a journey of self-discovery and renewal. No longer defined by the pain of her past, she forged ahead with courage and conviction, ready to embrace whatever adventures lay ahead. For in the end, it was not the love of another that saved her, but the love she found within herself – a love that was infinite, unyielding, and eternally hers. And though the road ahead may be fraught with challenges and uncertainties, she faced it with a newfound sense of strength and resilience, knowing that she was, and always would be, enough.

~sehrish

A YEAR IT TOOK

 

In the orchestra of life, where daylight and shadow entwine, there exists a fragile dance that frequently goes concealed — the dance of anxiety and misery. Like twin dreams, they murmur their melancholic stanzas and restless quakes into the hearts of those they pick. This excursion through their complex movement can be both an impactful regret and a demonstration of the flexibility of the human soul.

In the faintly lit assembly hall of the brain, tanxietystarts to lead the pack, its footfalls light however rushed. It coordinates a tornado of fretful contemplations, similar to leaves trapped in a stormy breeze. The heart's percussion enlivens, a mood of vulnerability that reverberations through the passages of presence. Each choice turns into a tightrope walk, a difficult exercise over a gorge of self-question. The world's external hazy spots, subtleties lost to the obscurity of stress. However, in this battle, an unconventional strength arises — the solidarity to confront the obscure, to persevere through the racket of one's own feelings of dread.

In the midst of this tireless dance, sadness arises as an accomplice, slow and drowsy. Its hug is weighty, a weighted cover that diminishes the dynamic quality of life's tones. The once-pleasurable songs lose their reverberation, and the world appears to move in sepia tones. The least complex errands become stupendous accomplishments, requiring a practically huge exertion. However, inside this battle, lies a surprising marvel — the excellence of thoughtfulness, of diving into the profundities of one's feelings. It's an excursion through the shadowed scenes of the spirit, a quest for significance, and an opportunity for restoration.

The dance of uneasiness and discouragement isn't without its snapshots of elegance. As they spin and lace, they show significant compassion for people who share the floor. Through the breaks in the reinforcement, weakness leaks in, manufacturing associations however authentic as they may be delicate. The excursion turns into a demonstration of versatility, a story of endurance despite everything. Each step taken, regardless of how vacillating, turns into a victory, a disobedience to the murkiness that looks to immerse.

Eventually, this dance shapes an exceptional embroidery of presence. It lays out the representation of a spirit that has endured storms, a heart that has sung both dismal regrets and victorious songs of praise. Through the recurring pattern of nervousness and sorrow, the excursion turns into a magnum opus of human experience — a demonstration of the strength found inside weakness, and the phenomenal creativity of just enduring.

~sehrish

⁠TIME HEALS

you know what's one of the hardest things about moving on?

even when every broken piece of your heart screams and reminds you of all those broken promises,

you get used to it..

you simply get ahold of all those voices crying and shrieking inside you, 

and you smile... 

perfect! isn't it?

i agree it takes time, a lot,

 

but you rise again to become the best version of yourself 

that's what life is all about, right?

falling, hurting yourself, rising again, and learning from your mistakes...

but that emptiness and the way you feel hollow from inside, it sucks away your happiness

you simply bury those voices inside that hollowness to shut them up 

without knowing that it's time that you actually need

time to get over it all, to forget it all maybe...

and i guess that's why they all say 

"time heals everything"...

~sehrish

THOUGHTS

Life, the chair has overturned, 

capsized after the end 

whatever the end was or still is 

i know i must rightly forget…

the purple sky sometimes makes the sun feel moldy 

when i think of the sun, i want to think of the Marigolds 

i think of the orange-red setting sun turning golden

when i think of the clouds, i think of the fields of tulips 

when i think of the stars, i think of your  freckles

and when i think about the moon, i think about your smile

that draws my breath and makes me feel life in every bone

those goosebumps i get just by imagining 

the desire i always hold to witness this all 

honestly, it doesn't matter if i, in this life, ever get the chance to do so

because i know for sure 

one day, up in the heavens 

i will be able to hold you close

and there'd be nothing to fear from

and i think it's the idea of ​​heaven that keeps me alive 

this thought lingers a pulse away somewhere 

i know it's not perfect 

but it means the world to me…

~sehrish

ANOMALY

Falling into the summertime

she lived some laughs

sometimes with fears and tears 

all present there

trapped in a web of insanity

she kept anonymity safe from all...

from the outside,

she is within the bark 

that encloses her well from the world

but she's been sitting back,

wanting and waiting for it to explode...

she waits to fall into the summertime,

to live some laughs

with all her fears and tears

all present there...

~sehrish

MEMORIES

YOU left your signature on everything i do 

everyplace i go, and every word i say

i am haunted by the intangibles; memories, 

the sillage of your scent, the blurred memory of touch.. 

it's unbearable,  

i try hard to endure it but i can't. 

i fear that i fail and fall again for the person,

the love that's so wrong the lies, fake smiles,

all gathering dust and blowing it on my soul, 

crumbling it into lumps. suffering, neglecting, and breaking it.. 

now i know i am an enchanted being who love being trapped by your spells and fading memories, 

and i'm afraid that i'll always do

~sehrish.

I AM TRYING

 WHY is your face still haunting me?

why do your thoughts, your talks, your laugh, 

still linger within me somewhere?

why can`t I free myself from this torment?

sleeping, smiling, breathing, existing;

why has everything become so hard for me to do?

why are you still the bane of me being whole??

all these WHY`s and I still feel safe and relieved 

that at least somewhere, somehow you still exist with me

and this thought is what I have been trying to live up to...

~sehrish

winter`s child

There is something about the cold winters,

something so silent,

so tranquil..

The silence that fills in ways no words ever will..

These seasons come and go

cause nothing changes and it never will..

Then tell me why this heart grows more weary,

grows a little less hopeful, a little less patient?

for some unbeknown reason it refuses to give up..

Maybe because I`m a winter`s child, 

just caught up in the midst of an endless summer...

~sehrish

MAYBE I AM CHANGING

maybe I'm changing or maybe I'm already a different person now..  

instead of scrolling miles of Instagram, I'm kinda in love with the world i see through my Pinterest boards.. 

instead of dreaming about living life in a small wooden hut during a long lasting autumn, i now imagine how would it feel like to dance in the snow.. 

instead of just listening to the warble of raindrops, now i go out and let my skin feel those raindrops.

instead of listening rap, now I'm in love with all the details and the beauty those old classic songs carry.

instead of fantasizing myself filling my wardrobe with some low cut backless dresses and wearing them, i now adore all my baggy clothes and sneakers.. 

once, I used to believe in fairy tales and imagined my life as one, but now I quite have made my peace with the fact that fairy tales are nothing but lies, and I'm kinda fancying reality rather than fiction.. 

instead of enjoying being alone, i, now, adore every second of being with and talking to someone.. 

instead of asking for help with my unannounced anxiety, now I've learned to relax and calm myself..

i had my days when i was hurt and i cried days and nights, but now crying seems so unessential and i have taught myself to shut all the screams, cries, pain, and tears inside me as if they don't affect me; as if they don't matter.. 

and there were days i begged people to stay, but now i just let people go, if they want to..

maybe it's all changing, i am changing because now i know what's truly mine will come to me tearing down the obstacles in it's way. all i need is a little patience and a lot of self-love. or maybe i am changing because i have changed my priorities and precedence because i taught myself that i deserve the best of all and the best is yet to come... 

 ~sehrish.